I think I'm turning into an agnostic.
By that I mean that the core of my foundations have been shaken and all those things that I held to be absolute truths, and good and pure and fun in the world do not seem to be so.
Take shopping for example. Now I'm somebody who for the better part of her life has thought of shopping as the most fun activity that there could exist.The ULTIMATE recreation.The kind of stuff dreams are made of. Apart from eating. And a few other things I guess, but you get the point; its right up there in my list of 'UNLIMITED FUN'. Turns out, my personality has taken a change for the worse and I'm just not as amazing as I used to be. Like, the past few days of shopping for clothes has been - well- quite exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy looking at stuff and adding different things to my visual vocabulary but goddamn buying just isn't as easy for me. I'm just not as spontaneous and as gregarious a shopper as I used to be, and i just don't please as easy anymore. Everything i see, i'm like yeah okay whatever. I'm not enthralled, and thats what I seek most fashion. I know, I know, its just clothes and not a roller coaster, they're not meant to enthral as such, especially if they're "shaadi formals". But if you're paying serious money shouldn't you get some visual thrill out of it or am I just supposed to be happy with lah-dee-da, sipping tea, clothes? Actually, I'm being a bit unfair; the clothes are not bad its just the game is different now. First and foremost I blame my job. I see too much all the time. Everything after a certain point becomes too familiar. So going around to shops and seeing things is like a repeat performance of what I've seen like 5 times minimum on my computer screen and once in person.
Secondly, although i'm quite confident in what I like, I've developed this annoying tick to try and please others (read:my mum) with my choices and that just doesn't work out for me. One, because of course everybody has their own tastes. Secondly, you see, shopping is an independent activity for me. Most activities are, tbh. I remember on vacations or even going in college, I could start out the day shopping with other people, but when it came to the nitty gritty of buying it had to be just me. 90 percent of the time even my twin and I would separate as shopping is a serious business, that is based a lot on your gut instinct and quick decisions that just cannot be bogged down by other people's opinions. That's just how it is. For me at least. I need to be on my own in the wild. Can't hand-hold people and do the whole hum saath saath hain she-bang. It really ruins the process and experience for me. Always has. In college if me and my best friend went to Zara together, either we'd separate or only she would buy something.
Now think, going to look at clothes and doing your groundwork with like 5 other people who all have their opinions and tastes which are nothing like yours, and body languages that can be read a mile away. How can one commit to buying with like so many things being thrown your way? It confuses you. Add to that all the things that you are constantly seeing, day after day hour after hour, with a generous helping of b.s traffic and explaining ways in city that is not your hometown to a driver who is older than Dumbledore, but doesn't own the loyalty of a phoenix like Fawkes to help us in fixes. Okay eff Fawkes, that's too much to ask for but at least display a hint of Dumbledore's magical wisdom. Yeah yeah, he may have a heart better than Dumbledore, but like how's that gonna help us in navigating ways?
By the 5th day (today), I'm like eff it; let's just show up in pjs and make a real statement.
Or kill myself; quick and easy and lets face it I won't be alive to hear the society backlash which would be a major drawback in the showing up in my pj's plan. Okay sure, my parents might be victim to it but I'm sure they'd get over it by the time I meet them in the after life; My siblings' antics would be wayyy hotter topics than what I did eons ago.
So yeah, coming back to my original point. After this ground shaking experience of not enjoying something as much as I thought i would- and quite frankly fantasized about, I just don't know where I stand anymore. Is there a God? Is happiness a choice? Is a grilled cheese sandwich the best fix for a blue day? Am i just tired and so making a mountain out of a mole hill?
I just don't know anymore.
Hence, I hereby announce my agnosticism.
( That is what being agnostic is right?)